This past month was horrible for me. At the beginning of the month, I missed AF. I was skeptical about it at first. There had been times when I had thought I missed AF but it just came later than I thought it would. Then about a week after, I started to get heartburn (which I've never had in my life). I was belching a lot and it was gross. I was nauseous to the point that I thought, "if only I could just throw up I would feel so much better." I kept getting slight cramps and so after another week I thought I might be PG. I asked one of my friends about how I was feeling and she said that I should POAS. I kept getting cramps and then about 3 weeks after missing AF, my breasts started to feel slightly painful. I was telling my hubby about what I was feeling.
We have a dog and I am the one who normally goes out to feed him and play with him and whatnot. Well one day within the first week of missing AF, my dog sniffed me all over and started acting really weird. Come to find out later that dogs can sense when their owner is pregnant. They can tell the difference in our smells.
Upon telling my hubby what I had experienced with the dog, he became increasingly convinced that I was PG. I was so happy at the thought that I very well could be, but a part of me was still skeptical that I was. I said that the only way that I was going to admit that I was PG was if I POAS and I wasn't going to do that until closer to my next fisit from AF.
I had 2 POAS tests that my friend had given to me. She is already pregnant and wouldn't be using them anytime soon. So yesterday, August 30, 2014 at 9:00AM, I tested and got a BFN. I was ok because part of me knew that I was going to get a BFN. I was fine that whole day, but after my hubby left for work, that's when AF came and I lost it. I cried. I was so angry with God because I didn't understand why after 2 years of hoping and TTC, God said "no" again. I was so confused and just didn't get what God was doing. I told him that it was so hard to keep on hoping for something that might never happen and to have faith that with God, anything is possible.
This morning, as I lay in bed with horrid cramps that caused so much pain that it was hard to move, God had woken me up with a song that I hadn't heard in many years.
"Trust, trust in the Lord. Lean not on your own understanding. In all, all of your ways, acknowledge Him. He'll make your path straight."
I made myself get into a hot bath and looked up that song on YouTube. I believe that the reason God put that song in my head this morning was because He was telling me to not give up yet. I still have a purpose. There is still hope in Jesus and He knows all of my struggles because He has been right there beside me through all of my AF pain and the tears of each time I get a BFN. I believe that God will one day, bless us with a child. Later on during the day, I was given this idea for Living in Hope and Faith. I am excited to be able to call this blog, a ministry to all women out there TTC.
Love and prayers for you all.